The following is a transcript from a less-than-impromptu interview on Twitter.
You can read the background and full story here: Part 1

@FauxSheriffJoe I know your poker buddies await you so I figured we’d get right to the questions if that’s alright with you.
@ohsuplauren My humidor thanks you for making this a no-nonsense thing. Also I think Mecham will eat all the wings if we don’t hurry.

@FauxSheriffJoe Why do you hate Mexicans?
@ohsuplauren:  “Hate” is a strong word. There’s more of them in AZ so statistically they get arrested more.

@FauxSheriffJoe What would your reaction be if the US proposed a combining of countries and changed out name to ‘Ameximerico?’
@ohsuplauren: I will rule over Maricopa County as the last true Democratic stronghold

@FauxSheriffJoe Is there a way to instill fear into the hearts of illegal immigrants without putting it into other legal Latinos/Hispanics?
@ohsuplauren: Crush all Dodge Caravans made before 2001.

@FauxSheriffJoe If you were going to smuggle some ‘Mexicargo’ into the country, how would you do it?
@ohsuplauren: K9 units can’t smell anything frozen inside ice blocks.

@FauxSheriffJoe Realistically, is it possible to locate/apprehend illegal immigrants without racial profiling?
@ohsuplauren: I compare immigration enforcement without profiling to trying to run a marathon without shoes. You won’t move fast enough.

@FauxSheriffJoe You’ve got an interesting history with the Phoenix New Times, care to remark?
@ohsuplauren If @PhoenixNewTimes put half as much effort into journalism as they did getting ads they’d qualify to cover the MCSO.

@FauxSheriffJoe Agreed. I have just a few questions left, if you don’t mind being slightly late to poker night. I hear it’s fashionable.
@ohsuplauren I don’t care what’s fashionable. The night might be shot anyway. J.D. Hayworth can’t fit his cheeks through the door.

@FauxSheriffJoe Do you offer tours of Tent City, or do I need to actually commit a crime to come visit?
@ohsuplauren What would Tent City be without tours? Prepare to be treated like a steak dangled before wolves, however.

@FauxSheriffJoe Is it possible to pick up a decent signal from KJOE in Chandler? I think we may share similar taste in music.
@ohsuplauren: Is it possible to pick up a decent signal from KJOE in Chandler? <> Get a DUI in Chandler, and KJOE will come to you!

@FauxSheriffJoe Have you ever worn/do you currently wear the pink underwear that the Tent City-goers get to wear?
@ohsuplauren: The wife has requested it a few times…

@FauxSheriffJoe What is your favorite Arizona city? (I’m crossing my fingers for Chandler).
@ohsuplauren: Anywhere but “Snottsdale” is fine by me.

@FauxSheriffJoe If life were in black and white, would you say that Mexicans are the ‘grey area?’
@ohsuplauren: I always liked watching Andy Griffith.

@FauxSheriffJoe Has anyone ever told you that you resemble ‘Lovelace,’ the rock hopper penguin from Happy Feet?
@ohsuplauren: I may be girthy but my eyebrows do not look like that.

@FauxSheriffJoe If your supporters and opposers got into a brawl, who do you think would win?
@ohsuplauren: While protesters have silly signs on sticks my supporters appear to enjoy carrying guns. My supporters, as always, would win.

@FauxSheriffJoe Final question, who would win in a theoretical battle to the death, you or Obama?
@ohsuplauren: Age before beauty.

@FauxSheriffJoe Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to interview you. It was a pleasure, so sorry about your poker game.
@ohsuplauren Vote Arpaio 2012 and all will be forgiven, ma’am.

It wasn’t until recently that I started paying closer attention to the media-charade that surrounds Sheriff Joe, (anyone read Phoenix New Times? Yea, me neither). His city of tents, his pink underwear, nothing really struck me as interesting, until I came across twitter celebrity @FauxSheriffJoe, who made it funny.

It’s a rare occurrence to come across someone who understands and can deliver decent satire as frequently and as well as @FauxSheriffJoe does. So, naturally when I was asked to interview him I jumped on the opportunity like Kirstie Alley jumps off a Jenny Craig diet, with motivation and a mouth full of food, (I was on my lunch break).

I decided to take this opportunity to ask @FauxSheriffJoe very specific questions regarding a few recent events in immigration news to make sure he’s on top of his game. One being changes in Federal Immigration laws that will force Arpaio to make critical decisions in how illegal immigrants can be detected/arrested, and the other being a bill concerning the criminalization of illegal immigrants that was recently rejected by the House.

OhSupLauren: Which loss will be more viable, making your Valley sweeps as effective as catch and release fishing, or losing your illegal immigrant detection program for incoming prisoners?

FauxSheriffJoe: I’d rather lose the immigrant detection program. If the ability to sweep is taken away then the MCSO loses a vital portion of its public-relations strategy. The public needs to fear its law enforcement agencies and understand what can happen to them if they cross the line. I don’t know if people think that the MCSO jails are some sort of cartoon world, but green bologna & nutraloaf are real, edible, and consumed on a daily basis. It’s not like there are conga lines and dance classes. There’s real punishment happening in the county jail system.

OSL: Without this program are there other ways to detect an illegal immigrant, aside from the 5 senses?

FSJ: Funny you mention that, because we’ve developed a “sixth sense” program for training our deputies. I hope a young person like you can understand and respect a person who follows the word of God. Every Sunday we try to get as much of the MCSO together at the same church so that we can pray for the ability to keep order and peace while adhering to all legal boundaries. God has not turned the MCSO astray in 17 years and he’s not about to start.

OSL: In stripping the ability or MCSO to arrest an immigrant simply for being here illegally, won’t that only increase the amount of immigrants coming into the country, especially in Arizona?

FSJ: What the illegals don’t know won’t hurt them. I like to think of that old children’s fairy tale about the troll who lived under the bridge and how that troll was the reason no one would cross it. I am that troll to illegals who would dare cross into Arizona. The fear has been placed into them at this point. The silver lining to this economy is that a lot of illegals are going back home on their own volition. This means they’ll take back stories of the MCSO to their families. Word will spread, and all of them will tread more carefully onto US soil.

OSL: If you can only arrest illegal immigrants who have committed other serious crimes, in a roundabout way doesn’t that suggest that simply being here illegally isn’t a crime?

FSJ: It’s unfortunate that the Fed, specifically the current administration, is spending so much time on servicing corporate interests “for the economy” that they’re failing to realize the economic impacts that illegal immigration has on the economy. The MCSO has run some intricate calculations using these crazy computer things and there are some shocking conclusions involved. Your average illegal immigrant destroys wealth by merely existing. The amount they pay in taxes when they buy their Corona Beers or Burrito Cheese things is nowhere near the amount that they steal out of social service systems.

OSL: Can the same logic be applied to other illegal activities? For instance, if I were to drive drunk and get pulled over, could I argue that I hadn’t hit anyone yet, therefore I should not be arrested?

FSJ: You should know that logic and law are good partners. Immigration is (unfortunately) a Federal thing, and DUI is on the state level. If you were pulled over while intoxicated, but could provide the MCSO with a good reliable tip on where we could find illegals, you’d be granted immunity and possibly a cash reward. It’s that simple. Clearly, a person who is intoxicated has contributed to the economy in a positive fashion. An illegal immigrant is a weight, pulling down the value of the dollar. DUI is not the atrocity that it’s made out to be.

OSL: At what point does a law being broken NOT constitute arrest?

FSJ: It depends on several factors (1) How passionate the arresting officer is about his job. (2) God intervening on your behalf. (3) The net worth of your family. I’ve been in this business way too long. Every arrest rests on those three factors.

OSL: The House recently rejected an Immigration Enforcement Bill approved by the Senate that would’ve criminalized the presence of illegal immigrants. Opponents of the bill said it would lead to racial profiling of legal Latino citizens. Are you totally bummed that is wasn’t passed?

FSJ: I am completely distraught at the gross incompetence of this bill. Since when has our country become so illiterate? These people have the word “illegal” in their title. They are “illegal” immigrants. Since when has it ever been legal to just show up to a country and become legal? You’d have to be an awful place to allow such negligence to happen.

OSL: What measures do you take to insure that your Deputies are not using racial profiling to find illegal immigrants?

FSJ: I have my deputies tape a piece of Werther’s Original candy to their dashboards. If a Deputy encounters an individual who is darker than the candy then they have probable cause on their side. Women say it all the time, “Candy doesn’t judge me,” so I figured I’d take my wife’s advice.

OSL: If you had free reign over immigration enforcement, what would you be doing differently?

FSJ: I’d be putting the “illegal” back in illegal immigrants. I’d create legislation that encourages the gathering of day-laborers. I’d provide more funding towards employer sanctions laws. Party stores would no longer be allowed to sell Sombreros. The colors of the Mexican flag will not be allowed to be flown within county limits, and funding would be diverted towards a special jail facility for illegal immigrants. Poor Ava can’t reach for the power locks on the car fast enough when we drive by a Macayo’s. I’d do anything for her.

When it comes to current events, @FauxSheriffJoe is quite obviously knowledgeable, and still able to bring a comedic edge to difficult issues and topics. His clever mix of blatant racism and familiarity with information regarding the real Joe Arpaio allow him to write satirical tweets while maintaining an incredibly genuine character; a character that I personally enjoy and recommend checking out.

Be sure to follow @FauxSheriffJoe and @ohsuplauren on Twitter for the live portion of this interview which will be Tuesday 9/8/9 at 7:30pm Mountain time.

-Lauren Bratcher
09/07/09
www.ohsuplauren.com