I’ll be the first person to admit that my job is pretty useless. I sell “car stickers” to people who don’t need to decorate their cars. I sell them in every color. I customize everything. I can even do a complicated scan of your fading tattoo so you and your car will match. Oh, and I make t-shirts, too.

I don’t understand why people buy stickers. I do understand why people come to get their business advertised. I do understand why people come to make certain shirts, even; Security shirts, Little League teams, Basketball jerseys.

But the stickers…? Why does your phone need a hibiscus flower? Why does your car need a giant scorpion on it? Why would you spend money on these things? But they buy them, they do. They ask me, over and over, do I have Michael Jordan? Tinkerbell? No, but I can make you a basketball! Or a fairy! I sell at least ten nautical stars a day. I’ll write your name in Old English. I make infinite amounts of skulls and dragons, dice and spades. And what is the goddamned obsession with Calvin pissing on things? Everything! Calvin pisses on the Dallas Cowboys AND the Oakland Raiders. Calvin pisses on Michael Jackson, Calvin pisses on Lil’ Wayne, Calvin pisses on the government, work, and fat chicks. Calvin pisses on fires in a Fireman’s hat. Whatever you hate, get a sticker of Calvin pissing his stream of justice on it and slap it on your car for all to see!

And then we have the families. For starters, I want to tell everyone that using little cutesy skull-and-crossbones to represent members of your family isn’t unique or original. I make dozens of these every week. What color do you want your mohawk, your bow, your baby’s pacifier? At least these people are easy; they leave quickly and are satisfied with how creative they are, having had me slap a pair of sunglasses and a baseball cap on a skull. The stick figures are worse. I want a frilly dress and pigtails; he wants a golf bag and a Cardinals shirt. The kids all want skateboards, so can you make the skateboards look different? We have two cats and a dog; don’t you have any better dogs? No, I’m sorry; the only dogs that look like they match these particular stick figures are STICK FIGURE DOGS. It’s not gonna look like a Pit-bull or a Chihuahua! I don’t care how many times you show me that picture of your rabbit, ma’am, this is a stick figure rabbit and I can’t make it look like your goddamned cell phone wallpaper. (I put a little circle around its eye like Petey, the dog from Little Rascals; she squealed and gave me money. She could’ve just asked me to put a ring around its eye instead of waving her phone in my face.)

Most of all I wish someone would come up and ask me for something original. Not something we have in the catalog or on display, not something they stole off of Google Images, not something they saw on someone else’s car (the worst!! They expect me to have every sticker that everyone has ever put on their car in my repertoire!) Someone bring me their original artwork, or come up with something challenging for me to do! I’m tired of printing peace signs and hatchet man stickers all day.

-Jennifer Lynne
07/28/2009

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